Regrets
by maden-dragonheart
Summary: Harry finally gets to do something he's been wanting to for so long. Harry Potter has Killed Bellatrix Lestrange. Can he live with himself... of course...does he have regrets...NO.


My name is Harry Potter. I have many regrets.

I have seen the one person I ever thought of like a father die. I have led one of my friends into an unfair murder. My friends have been my side and almost died for me countless times. I push away all that care about me.

I was angry with every one. I hated the way things turned out.

And I hated when people would try to help me. Because no matter what they did, and no matter what they said, they couldn't make it better.  
There's stupid Dumpledore. He says he understands what I'm going threw and way I did the thing I did. How can he?

Hermione, tried to talk to me. It doesn't do her or me any good. I just end up yelling until she cries. Then I have to be the one who apologizes. Fine. I don't care anymore.

Ron wouldn't say anything. Likes he's scared of me. I don't really blame him. After what I did… I'm scared of myself too.

Even though the ministry never found physical proof that it was me who killed her… but I think they already know. And world spreads fast in this world. The looks that people give me now. Their no longer looking at me like I'm a hero. They think I'm some kind of vigilante. The law wasn't going to give me the justice I needed so I took matters into my own hands. It's true I guess. Only in my opinion none of this is justice… I did what I did for revenge.

When she killed Sirius I shouted to everyone who would hear, "I'll kill her'. And I did.

I killed Bellatrix Lestrange. And I liked it.

I had been planning on how I was going to do it ever since Sirius was murdered. I wanted to cause her all the pain that she cause me… No… I wanted to cause her more. It was almost clear to me that Voldemort would probably be the one who kills me and I would never get to see him suffer. Fine. I'll take out my anger on her.

When I had to stay with the Dursleys I just stayed in my room or at the park. Because I had nothing to do I would fanaticize the way that I would kill her. It made my heart race and brain spin when I imagined it in my mind. My fingers would close around in a fist like figure as if holding my wand as I whispered and muttered the words I wanted to say to her.

I wanted to kill her with the same curse that she murdered Sirius with. I could just imagine her face when she realized what I had just done. Her ugly face twisting with pain. The Gaunt skin that was thinly spread across her skull would stretch and the yellowish color that the skin was would turn red and blue from loss of air and pain. Her thin lips turning white and red blood seeped slowly from the new cuts from her teeth cutting her lips.

I could just imagine the thoughts going threw her mind when I yell the curse and hit her in the chest just as she did Sirius. I wish I had heard the words that she was thinking. They would most likely be something like 'I can't believe a Boy who I was supposed to kill has killed me with my own curse". That was the one way that I wanted to see her die.

Then, when she was on her last few moments of life, I would say to her the very last words that escaped from Sirius' lips before he died. Standing over her as she dies at my feet I would say as coldly as I could,

"_Come on. I know you can do better than that."_

I would just love to see her face… the shock, them pain, the knowing that she lost the last moments of her life. Then I would just walk away from the body.

It was perfect. I would get to avenge my Godfather and have the satisfaction of knowing that I won for once in my life.

But then I remembered that that I didn't know the curse that she used. Damn. There went that plan.

I tried to think of what else I could do that could hurt her and torment her just like I wanted to. She had cause so many people so much pain. The Longbottoms. Sirius, my Godfather…my big brother… my father! She had to pay and I was going to make sure she did. I wanted to torture her. Make her feel pain. I wanted what I did to her to be unforgivable. And that was what I was going to do. I was going to kill her by repeating the unforgivable word of 'Crucio."

She had made the Longbottoms lose their memories of life. They forgot about their son, they forgot about their friends, they forgot who they were. All because SHE had used that spell on them too many times. She had latterly overdosed them with pain. And now she was going to pay. She was going to get a taste of her own medicine.

Then again my pan was snatched away from me. I see versions of that night that she had killed Sirius. I ran after her to kill her then… I wish I had just done it that night. I did the curse in her. Yes, she screamed, but over all it didn't cause her half the pain I wanted it to. She was able to stand up and look at me with out crying, with out begging for mercy and I didn't like it.

"_Never done an Unforgivable curse have you, boy?" she yelled. She had abandoned her baby voice now. "You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain- to enjoy it- righteous anger won't hurt me for long- I'll so you how it is done shall I? I'll give you a lesson."_

I hated those words; I hated her with raw, blind furry. I wanted her to stop talking; I never wanted to hear her talk ever again.

I didn't cause her any pain. And she thought it would be funny to make fun of me when I was so angry. But she had done something extremely stupid on her part that night, something besides kill Sirius. She told me how to work an Unforgivable Curse. She did teach me a lesson, and the student wanted to shoe it off to the teacher.

But I couldn't use it on her alone. I may not have the power yet to kill someone with it. Seeing as I had only used the spell once in my life. I just had to use it until it wears her down then I could tell her all the pain that she caused me, and then I could kill her.

It began to scare me. The things that went threw my mind. All I thought about was causing pain and getting rid of mine. I couldn't do my homework without looking at the ink and being reminded of blood for some reason. The way the ink fell on my parchment and then ran down the page leaving a trail of black lining behind it, it looked like Black blood.

I could tell I scared my friends as well. Things got awkward and silent when they were around me. And they seemed to do everything I said as if afraid that I would hurt them. Things haven't gotten much better.

Ron looks at me as if he's scared of me and Hermione practically bust out in tears when she sees me. Ginny seems almost mad or ashamed at me. Luna seems to understand though. But then again she doesn't show much feeling about a lot of things… well things that are in reality.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like Luna. She lives in her own world and a world that she can escape this nightmare from. At first I thought it was weird, but now I wish I could do the same. Just get away from this world. But my world has Voldemort and Death Eaters even there. Because they invade the world. I can't dream about it because they control my dream realm. Then when I open my eyes I have to see them control my real world.

Maybe one day Luna will let me visit her world with her. I know that I will never like her more than a friend, but maybe she'll let a friend go to her thoughts. She seems to be the only one who understands me.

Luna says that it wasn't my entire fault for murdering Bellatrix. It wasn't like I went looking for her just to kill her. She found me. Orders from Voldemort himself. She along with a few other death eaters was going to grab me and bring me to Voldemort so he and I could have our final battle. He just wants to finish it soon and fast. The sooner I'm gone the sooner no one can stand in his way anymore.

Funny. I have to protect the whole fucking world by staying alive long enough just to fight Voldemort. As long as I'm alive there's hope. It's funny because I already feel dead. I want to die. I don't really care anymore; I'm not sure why I keep hanging around when I don't really want to. I guess it's for my friends and things like that. And no matter how much I want it, I think I'll always fear death slightly. I think ever one.

She and her ugly husband came to the park and thought that they would kidnap me there. They're not very smart are they? There were only two of them and they were well aware that I have taken out more than that in one night. Not to brag, but I am an all right fighter and I do want to be an Auror when I grow up. Did they really think that I would go with out a fight?

My guess would be that Voldemort wanted to cause me more pain as usual so that was why he sent Bellatrix. And he didn't want her to go alone in case I put up a fight so her husband was the back up. He knew that I hated her more than anyone else in the world and he knew that I would only be thinking of Sirius when I saw her.

It was true. Sirius flashed threw my mind over and over again when she came out of the dark trees that surround the park. At first I thought that I was dreaming at first when I saw her gaunt face come threw the darkness of the night He yellow teeth were visible by her twisted smile and her long arms held behind her back.

I just sat there on the swing and stared at her for the longest time I think my mouth was hanging open because I felt it turn dry and cold. I felt as if I couldn't breath. I didn't attack right away because I thought that she wasn't real.

"Awww. Did mean ol' Bellatrix interrupt baby Harry's swing time?" she said in her horrible baby voice. That was when I knew that it was she. No one could get their voice to sound the least bit like hers.

"You!" I screamed. My hand shot strait to pocket to retrieve my wand so I could fight her.

"Does little Harry want to play with Bellatrix?" She said as she walked closer and held out her arms as if she wanted to give me a hug. If she touched me I swore I would rip her arms off one at a time then I would snap all her fingers off.

"I want to kill you!" I yelled as I jumped to my feet and point my want at her. I can hear a second voice laugh from behind her and I see her ugly husband walk out from the trees.

"Hear that? He wants to kill you my sweet." My sweet? Was this man blind and stupid? She wasn't sweet! She was a bitch!

"I heard." She said softly. Her eyes were fixed on mine, I hated her black eyes, they reminded me of the night, a time that I have came to hate. "He wants to kill me. We'll see. _ACCIO WA-"_

"_Curcio!"_ I screamed at her before she could finish her spell.

She fell to the ground screaming in pain as I held my wand in place to keep her in pain. I wanted to cause her all the pain in the world and I wanted to enjoy it. I was just about to let a smile escape my lips when I was hit in the chest with something that sent me flying in a different direction.

Stupid husband of hers. I had to get rid of him first if I wanted to kill her.

"Stubefy!" I pointed my want strait at him then I watched him fall to the ground helpless. Good it was just she and I.

I had waited for this for so long and I had planed and dreamed on how I was going to do this. But I don't remember ever feeling such rage and frustration at one time. But also at the same time I also feel so nervous and scared. The thought of killing someone is one thing but really killing someone was a different thing all together.

I had never killed anyone before. I didn't know what it would feel like. If I would feel anything, if I would have regrets or if I would like it.

In a way I wish I did have regrets about. I feel so cruel and cold hearted whenever I think about it. I feel like a death eater. I feel like Lord Voldemort. In a way I am like them. I killed another and I don't care.

She must have been in shock from all the pain that I caused her. Because even after her husband hit me and even after I hit him with a curse she was still down on the ground clutching her chest and panting hard.

I walked carefully to her and kicked her hard in the face. Blood splattered on the dark grass and on my shoes. It was a good thing for me that it was so late because if it wasn't people would probably be calling the Bobbies by now.

Before I said something to her I wanted to make sure that I she couldn't turnt he tables on me.

"_Expelliarmus!"_ Her wand flew out of her hand and into mine.

"Going to kill me Harry?" she laughed. Those words. I had heard them before.

SIRIUS HAD SAID THAT TO ME! Sirius face flashed into my mind. I felt like I was thirteen again and back in the shrieking shack the night I first met Sirius. It was almost the same position. I had stood over Sirius just as I was standing over Bellatrix.

I stood there and just stared at her memories of Sirius flashed threw my mind.

"_If you wanted another home…"_

"_Well, times like that bring out the best in some people and the worst in others."_

"_No one would have made me a prefect. I spent too much time in detention with James."_

"_You need rest Harry."_

"_There's nothing you can do Harry. He's gone."_

I just saw his death; his pained face fall threw the veil. I had to watch it over and over again in my nightmares every night. And I had to watch it replay in my mind as I held a wand to his murderer.

"What's-a-matter Harry?" She laughed. "Can't do it can you. You don't have the courage to kill someone. Your weak baby."

I come back to reality when I heard her voice. My hand tightens around my wand and I raise it slightly higher.

"What curse are you going to do little Harry? Do you even know any killing curses? I bet you don't. You had this all planed out and now the time comes and you can't do it."

"_Crucio!"_ I hissed at her. She screams again. I'm almost sure that some muggle has woken up and called the Bobbies on me. But I don't care.

"I-is that th-the only one –you-you know?" She panted. I can tell she's hurt. But she wouldn't admit it.

I point my wand directly in between her eyes.

"I want you to feel all the pain that you cause me. I want you to die." I hiss at her.

"Then kill me." She laughs.

I just stared at her. That wasn't what I wanted her to say, I wanted her to beg for mercy. This was making it almost harder.

"You can't do it." She whispered to me. "For starters your just a child. I didn't kill my first person until I was nineteen. Two you don't know how to work the curse. I told you, Potter, you have to want to hurt someone to enjoy it."

"I did enjoy it." I hiss back

"Not enough." She wipes off some of the blood that is falling out of her moth from my kick to her head. " I'm still talking. I should be panting and coughing and crying by now. You have a lot to learn boy. I can-"

I didn't care what else she had to say.

"**_AVADA KEDAVRA!"_** I screamed with all my might. I wanted nothing more then see her die, to her scream and die! And she did.

I felt the air leave my chest and I felt my blood run and turn to ice. That must have been the reaction from the curse. At first I wasn't sure if I had did it right.

There was a flash of green light. I was blinded; all I could see was the green light dancing around my body. The sound of screams entered my ears and I cried out at the same time. The scream was ear shattering.

And then just as it had started… it stopped. And there, lying on the ground in front of me was Bellatrix Lestrange dead. I had finally killed her.

I didn't know how to feel. My stomach turned numb and my brain just stopped working. It was like I was sick or something. I felt myself shaking.

I had finally done it. I killed her. Just like I said I would. She was dead, and I was to blame for it.

I didn't know if it was the right thing or not. I was confused. I knew I had to get out of there and get back to the Dursley's before the muggle Bobbies showed or before the ministry of magic came by.

Looking down in my hands I realized something I didn't before. I didn't kill her with my wand… but hers. I never dropped it or threw it away from her. I didn't want her to some how get a hold of it in case things didn't go as planed.

I didn't know what to do with it. I was holding the very thing that killed my Godfather! The thing that tore one of my closest friend's family apart! I never thought that it was possible to feel so much hatred for one object.

I almost snapped the damn thing, but then my brain started to work again. I quickly wiped the handle of it with my shirt, getting rid of finger prints, then just to be sure I did a quick spell on it that I thought might help. Then, I carefully placed it in her motionless hand. She was cold and stiff.

With out hesitation I ran off, but not before muttering, "That was for Sirius." To her.

And that was how I killed Bellatrix to avenge my godfather. The Aurors had no proof that it was I because I used her wand and no fingerprints, and because it was clear that if it was me, I only did it in self-defense. I think they know… I know they do.

Some time after I had a dream of Voldemort killing her husband for not bring me to him. The guy never gives up.

After that I had to stay with Dumbledore, and get lectured every night on how what I did was wrong, but at the same time understandable. I wish he would just make up his mind.

Even though I didn't know what my feelings would be later on when I first killed her I know what they are now. I am clear about what I did and I have to live with it every day.

I wake up and am reminded about it with Ron's scared eyes watching over me. I remember ever time Hermione shakes her head at me. It flashed threw my mind whenever I see Crookshaks.

I'll never be able to take back or redo what I have already done. I will carry it with me all my life. And I'm probably damned for life by it.

My fellow classmates know about it I'm sure. I get weird looks were ever I go. The Weasleys look at me different. Everyone looks at me different. I'm no longer a hero to them, but some kind of magical vigilante.

I took matters into my own hands because no one else would. I killed a woman because no one else would. I have seen more than any one should. I have felt more than anyone could imagine. More pain and betrayal then I would wish on anyone.

My name is Harry Potter. I have done horrible things. I have absolutely **no** regrets.

* * *

All right that was a little weird huh? I put it threw Harry's P.O.V. because I thought we might get more emotion. If you're a Teen Titan fan you probably recognize the 'My name is" thing from terra. Any way that's what I want to happen in the next book! I'm typing this like crazy because it's the night before it comes out and by the time some oen reads this it will be out! O well! It was fun to write! Hope you enjoyed it!

By the way, English people call Cops Bobbies in case you didn't know!


End file.
